“It took me a little while to realize the difference. Its very easy for the line between real friends and party friends to become blurred, esp when drugs and alcohol are involved. But when you take the party, drugs, and such out of the equation.. that’s when you find out the difference… really quick. And its easy to get swept up in it, thinking everyone’s your friend, when everyone is telling you how much they love you and blah blah blah.”

                                                              -Shane (Speed Oh)

so shane and i are having this conversation about why we don’t go out as often anymore, and this was the result. this probably hit me back towards the end of december, and it really made me question a lot of friendships at raves and outside of raves. i think the only reason i questioned my friendships outside of the rave scene is because more than a few friends were going to raves with me. and after all this february drama happened with two people i am no longer friends with, i feel so discouraged with many of the friendships i have now. i suppose this is why i have tried seeking friendships elsewhere besides “the norm”. it’s incredibly depressing to know that most of the people i have met/known at raves probably don’t give two shits about me. it makes me wonder if the people that i believe to be genuinely beautiful as a person think of me as one of these “party kids”. they say these things like they “love me” and think i am a “sweet person” and so on. i wonder if they truly believe that i am….my heart aches thinking about it.

“yeah i just feel like i lost it. i feel like i can’t have a good time.”

and it’s times like these when i wish i didn’t feel so fragile.